The Seven Horcruxes of Donald Trump

“Now, I know what you’re thinking: There’s no way that Donald Trump would be stupid enough to put a Horcrux in plain sight, right?”


As a lifelong Harry Potter fan, I know Voldemort when I see him. So naturally, when first I laid eyes on Donald Trump as a serious presidential candidate, I knew that I was staring right into the face of that bubbling, squealing, cauldron-baby that killed Cedric the Vampire. The only way to defeat the final boss is to destroy the seven pieces of his being – his Horcruxes. Here they are:

  • Kellyanne Conway

    That woman can pivot faster than any sportsball player I’ve ever seen in my life – with heels on. In the words of the award winning musical Hamilton, “Ask [her] a question, [she] glances off, [she] obfuscates, [she] dances.” When asked about Meryl Streep’s criticism of Trump, Kellyanne Conway went straight to, “Well, there’s a disabled man being tortured by black teenagers right now!” (Literally, this is not a joke.) She might be the most difficult Horcrux, like Voldemort’s Nagini or something (for what it’s worth, also a snake.) Can’t remember what happened to her…

  • Twitter

    No one spends that much time with anything that is not a Horcrux. Donald Trump uses it to perpetuate lies about the popular vote, illegal immigrants, and the contents of his administration’s executive orders. He also uses his Twitter as a weapon – threatening everyone from Hamilton to SNL to Judge Robart to the New York Times to….you get the point. He also did not surrender his Twitter once he won the presidency, so the only logical explanation is that it is a piece of his soul.

  • His Red Tie

    The only thing more iconic about Donald Trump than his hair (which we are definitely getting to) is his red power tie. Accessorized daily with ill-fitting suits, that crimson Horcrux is clearly soaked in the blood of all the dissenters his rally participants stomped out during the campaign.

  • His Hair

    Now, I’m not going to make fun of Donald Trump’s hair for the usual reasons. I believe, with my heart and soul, that just as Harry Potter discovered that He-Who-Must-Not-Named was hiding in the turban wrapped on Professor Quirrell’s head, Steve Bannon can be found underneath Donald’s illustrious hairpiece. This, combined with the fact that Trump’s doctor recently said that he uses a hair growth product perfectly explains why Steve Bannon seems to be getting angrier.

  • Rallies

    This is the only Horcrux that I believe is destroyed, since Trump is no longer a candidate for president, but actually the president. He does seem to have Mike Pence and Sean Spicer present daily with pompoms to be his cheerleaders, but I don’t think the effect is the same for Trump, and I don’t think pull off the outfits as well as Ivanka might.

  • The Media

    This is the hardest one of all, because there is no way we can ask the media not to cover the president. Even if he’s tweeting, we have to cover things because he’s the president. And the media has a duty to truth – if everything he says is false is false, then they have to call it that, looking way more partisan than they really are. On the other hand, the beast THRIVES on media attention. So it would appear that the only way to destroy this Horcrux is to duke it out in the woods, hope it doesn’t kill both of them, and pray the media has an inspiring conversation with Dumbledore before it comes back to life and whoops ass.

  • Trump Tower

    Now, I know what you’re thinking: There’s no way that Donald Trump would be stupid enough to put a Horcrux in plain sight, right? BAM, that’s where you’re wrong. The first benefit is hiding in plain sight. The second (and obviously more important), is that he gets to put his name on something.

    So there you have it. Get to work, America, and maybe, if we’re lucky, John Williams will wrap this up with some cheery music.

    Bonus: Add any Horcruxes you think I missed in the comments!

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